Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Mommy cried today, 2 1/2 yo surprised me

well, today was day 2 of preschool for the wee one.
it was also snack day... he hopped right out of the van, his teacher grabbed his snacks and off he went to his classroom...
Just a "bye mommy"
let me tell you as soon as i pulled away, i lost it....
i called dh to tell him how proud i was and i could tell he was holding back the giggles cause he thought i was "cute" for crying like that

i was so proud & so sad at the same time

poor mommy
Cannot I just NOT go to the Dr on Thursday?
I mean, really....... just cancel my appt & not go?
I don't want the bad news & heck, if the little tadpole is growing, then why mess it up, eh?

I am beyond frightened still.

I've been a hungry horse all day long, queasy to the point of headaches.. tired like never b4 (i have no idea how my eyes are still open)

I am still cramping with the lovely sharp pains while making dinner right in the who-ha (that really &*@^%$# hurts too)

I can do this right? I mean really, I can do this?


2 more days

Man, I wish I could remember my symptoms with my m/c (b4 i knew)
I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me whether to bring extra tissues to my appt on Thur.
The waiting is the worst part.
All i can do is pray for strength.
I am so scared.

on a mommy note..

My 2 1/2 yo went into car line today.. it was his 1st snack day.
he jumped out of the car into his teachers hands and walked away.. last week he kicked screamed, cried.. you name it

as soon as I pulled away, i lost it... i mean full on break down sobbing fit...

Monday, August 25, 2008

i feel yuck

2x ms this morning, cramps not so bad.
had a scm mtg at the preschool this morning.
I took an AE hpt this morning after i got home, not that it was negative or anything but the test i took 5 days ago had almost no control line & today's had a very there control line.
So now i'm concerned that something bad has happened & my hcg is dropping.
I have an appt on Thur (7w5d) so i am so very concerned.
i know i cannot change the outcome, but it does not change my fears

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Feelings of loss

Yesterday, I had this feeling. It's difficult to describe. Loss is the only word i can use. It is as if my heart sank. Nothing happened at home or with my family.
I don't know if it is related to the pregnancy or not. I certainly hope it was not Mother's Intuition and something happened to the little one.
I cannled my PCP this morning & he wants to see me tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I want to go.
Only 8 more days until my OB appt. I can wait right?
If I do find out something happened to my little one, it would be my OB who would perform the procedure, not my primary.
The cramps though and the spotting (small & with progesterone attached) are scary none the less.
My heart does not know which way to sway and my head does not help.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Call from the nurse's nurse (sounds funny huh)

I got a call from the nurse practitioners nurse, how weird is that? she said my progesterone was in the "gray" area 11.2 (or so).
She gave me the option of vaginal progesterone at night, which i have opted for. They want to see the # 25 or above... I'll take it until the 28th when I go in for my next appt.
I was also given an approx EDD based on what they saw on u/s yesterday April 11..
She also said there were definite tones @ 110bpm, which is consistent with the gesational age. They could not hear then, but measured them via u/s.. no more betas or anything until the 28th..

a big sigh of relief with a side of small worries....

The one person who knows my path, is keeping me safe in his arms!
Praise to our Lord & Saviour

8/11 betas

from my OB's office 2661 8:45a
From my Primary's office 2668 10:20a

July 2008 begins a new mysterious preggo journey

Another Surprise BFP 10 months to the day after my 07' one.
Beta on cd28 was 42, cd30 was 41.. I was told to prepare for m/c.. repeat hcg on cd37 was 223, cd38 324, & cd41 742.
cd43 revealed a gestational sac (about 5mm) in the uterus (woo hoo)!
After much discussion by one of the OB's & the NP, they *think* I ovulated very late and may have had a subsiquint pregnancy resulting in the odd beginning #'s. Or, maybe the 1st # was off (by alot). I do not think we will ever know what happened.
The OB had me hold my breath while the tech checked for "activity", they found some.
They believe it was a fetal heart tone as the #'s did not match that of my own heart rate.
After the OB left the room, the tech said my body "relaxed" and she found a yolk sac.
The NP was in the room & saw it as well.
So from the time of cd41 where a different OB told me I had 1% viability of a healthy pg or even having a gestational sac, we discovered that it was not ectopic, not chemical, and so far, not a blighted ovum, we've come a long way.

I have to thank my FF Family! They are so awesome....
I could not have endure this emotional roller coaster (so far) with out them..

My TTC Journey

We began TTC in 1998 after we purchased our 1st home.
In 1999, I had a LAP due to Stage II Endo. In early 2000, we did 1 round of Clomid with IUI.
None of that worked to allow us to conceive, so our OB refered to to a local RE.
Lots of testing & 3 IUI's with Injectable meds did not produce any pregnancy, so off to Invitro we went.
Aug 2001 we had out 1st IVF, transferred 2 5 day (Blastocyst) Embryos & got pregnant.
around 6 or 7 weeks, we discovered that the pregnancy had result in a blighted ovum (gestation sac with no baby) & a D&C was performed the friday after 9/11/01.

We tried again & had a 3 day transfer with 2 embryos on Valentines Day 2002. On his Due date, our son Luke was born. C-section due to breech position, but healthy as can be.
Our hearts werre content & I became a SAHM, due to Corporate consolidation & I was not complaining about it.

In 2004, after several abnormal paps, my GYN feared I may have cells that could result in Cervical Cancer. He performed a Cone Biopsy which revealed severl mm of toxic cells surrounding my cervix. He said it would be more difficult to conceive dur to scar tissue. Hubby & I laughed it off, knowing we could not get preggo on our own.

4 months later, after returning home from a trip to Chicago (visiting family), we became pregnant. However, I did not know until into my 5th week of pregnancy.
Anthony was born 1 week before his actual due date, via repeat c-section. Can you blame me for not wanting to go into labor on Thanksgiving?!

In Oct 2007, i conceived naturally again, to my surprise (and my husbands as well). We were blessed to see a heartbeat at 6w1d. We told our family at Thanksgiving, as we felt we had alot to be thankful for. 1 week later, we found out our little one had passed. We had a D&C on 12/1/07.

July 2008, my journey continues...